Yeah, I think I have made this way too difficult for myself...
I just wish I could have all the good features of different languages altogether, but that's not gonna happen, welcome to the world of programming.
I like Haskell and LISP for the challenge, but I wish I could do mobile/web dev in them easily (like RoR).
I really appreciate your answers, I think I should just get going then, and try to figure out the rest next.
GHCJS and Purescript work with react.js and directly with the DOM. So there are options on the client side as well if you wanted FP. You could also consider learning clojure, and closurescript. A few backend teams I've met retooling all their RoR code to Haskell. Sounds like you are on the right track with your thinking, but with no CS background be sure to read books that help you understand the pros and cons of different languages.
I like Haskell and LISP for the challenge, but I wish I could do mobile/web dev in them easily (like RoR).
I really appreciate your answers, I think I should just get going then, and try to figure out the rest next.